Memories of Excel
by EclipseMk2
Summary: It's the start of high school for Keitaro Bakayarou, and who else does he meet on the first day but the love of his past, Excel? Keitaro now has three years to get Excel to confess her love for him. CHAPTER 3 UP!
1. Follow the White Dog

Memories of Excel – An Excel Saga fanfic by EclipseMk2

A little introduction before I start. This is my first fanfic, and I might tread a lot on overused fan fiction stereotypes, so please bear with me. Secondly, I haven't watched much of Excel Saga but since this fan fiction takes place during Excel's high school years (i.e. before the anime) her character hasn't really developed into the Excel that we all know and love. Oh, and there are quite a number of crossovers that I'm introducting along the way to make up for my lack of Excel trivia, so this may not be your cup of tea. Or slice of Menchi. Or whatever.

Alright, let's go.

*********************************************

_April 4, 19xx __3:45am___

_I can't sleep. I keep thinking._

_I feel as if someone is dictating my actions, like my life is just one big script. It's just like the anime I see on TV. It's not…not…real._

_Thanks to this LiveJournal that I'm starting, I'll have proof that I *am* going mad. Oh, and high school starts today (actually later this morning)  __

Current mood : paranoid

Current music : Ai (Chuuseishin) / Kobayashi Yumiko

*********************************************

Deep in thought, Keitaro walked slowly to school. He hadn't slept at all since all these thoughts entered his head while watching End of Evangelion the night before. Why was he thinking about all this? Why now?

Then, it hit him. Not the answer, mind you – it was a telephone pole that came flying through the air towards him. Lying on the ground and temporarily stunned he saw the faint outline of a white dog running past him, followed by a voice shouting, "Dang, I missed! ….Menchi! Menchi! Come here, I'm hungry!"

Keitaro stood up to face the source of the voice. Yes, it was her. The girl of his memories, the one whom he had fallen for and yet never had the courage to confess his feelings to. It was, of course, Excel Excel – the walking disaster of his past.

"K-kun!"

Keitaro turned towards her. "Hello, Excel. It's been a long time, hasn't it?"

"Ya! Eh, you're going to the same school? That's good. Did you see a dog run past here? He's my emergency food supply."

            "But, I…"

            "Gotta go, I'm hungry!" Excel shouted as she sped off.

            Keitaro let out a shout. This was a second chance given to him by God! A final chance to show his worth to Excel and make her confess her love for him under the legendary radioactive plant growing in the school courtyard. He had heard rumours that if a couple in love confessed their feelings under that tree…er…plant, then they would be happy until the end of their lives. Other rumours said that most couples died of radiation poisoning immediately after that, but that was unimportant. All he had were these three years of high school and he would put his heart and soul into winning Excel's love.

            Glancing at his watch, Keitaro realized that he was now late for class. As he started to run to the front gate, he heard the screeching of truck tyres and a loud thud. _Must be a dog running across the road, he thought._

*************

            The utter boredom of the classroom was interrupted by a crash and the door opening. Excel stood there at the doorway, panting.

            "Good morning all! Sorry I'm late – I was hit by a big truck but I seem to be okay since I was suddenly reset back to normal for reasons I cannot explain but I am sure that this was a-"

            "Sit down, Excel-kun!" the teacher yelled.

            Excel sat down at the empty desk in front of Keitaro. He could smell her from behind – her sweet smell, like a perfume. It was the first time he had been so close to a girl in recent memory. And worse, it seemed like more than a coincidence that his success with girls was as pathetic as the lead character in that anime Love Hina, who also shared the same name as him. Like the bubblegum that never seems to come off your shoe, this curse had stuck with him throughout his school life right until this very day. But this time…this time, he was going to change it all.

            The sound of the people around him choking tore him out of the daydream that had been started by Excel's perfume. He could see the teacher gasping for air at the front. "What is that horrid smell, Excel-kun?"

            "It was a fish truck, sir."

*********************************************

_April 16, 19xx __7.27pm___

_It's been almost two weeks since I met Excel at the front gate. I still think of her every night as I play with my Asuka dolls._

_Life seems a lot better now. I'm beginning to forget about the weird ideas that End of Evangelion gave me, and I'm looking forward to the Science Festival at school tomorrow. I feel that something *big* is going to happen. Maybe it involves Excel – I don't know, but I definitely hope it will._

Current mood : happy

Current music : The Barney Theme Song (DeathHeadCannibal Remix)

*********************************************

            The Science Festival had been on since morning, and Keitaro had been too busy with his exhibit to look for Excel. Of course, _someone_ had to attend to the long line of pitiful boys queuing up for his photo sticker machine. It was not until much later that he saw her pass by his booth.

            "Excel!" he yelled over the noise of the crowd.

            She didn't hear him and continued to walk on.

            "Excel!"

            Keitaro ran after her, pushing his way through the crowd. Suddenly, he slammed heavily into someone. They both fell to the ground.

            "I-I'm sorry." Keitaro said under his breath as he brushed the dirt off his trousers.

            The other person stood up. He was rather tall and looked slightly older than Keitaro. Shoulder pads and a long flowing purple cape masked his size, but his presence was overpowering. "Impudent fool, watch where you run. You are insulting monkeys with your intelligence."

            "I-I-I'm sorry. I-I-I'm Keitaro Bakayarou from class 1A. Pleased to meet you."

            The man snorted with contempt. "The pleasure is hardly mine – in the exact same way that you derive no pleasure from using any major organs above your neck. This time you will not be forced to atone for inconveniencing me, since I have been unable to find my rope today. Nevertheless, I will keep my eye on you knowing fully well that you do not have a visual organ that functions in the same way as mine. Goodbye."

            With that, he turned away and faded into the crowd.

            _Weird fellow, Keitaro thought to himself. _He could have just pushed me to the ground and kicked me. I wonder what happened to the simple concept of beating up somebody…__

            A light tap on his shoulder kicked him out of his train of thought. It was Excel, and she was happily cradling a brown box.

            "K-kuuuuuuuun! What are you doing on the floor?" she asked.

            Keitaro got up quickly. "Excel! I was looking for you and I bumped into this weird guy with a purple cape. He said something about monkeys and then left, though I think he was rather angry…"

            Excel thought for a while. "Purple cape…purple cape…er…was it Magneto?"

            "Magneto is a comic book character, Excel."

            "Err…then it's Robin Hood!"

            Keitaro shook his head. "Excel, Robin Hood doesn't even wear a purple cape."

            "But he's really cool, right?"

            "Excel, please focus on the subject at hand."

            "Err…a….e…oh, then it must have been Ilpalazzo-sempai. He's the president of the School Domination club. I haven't met him, but he looks so cool!" she squealed with excitement.

            "Ilpalazzo…I've never heard of him, but I'd better watch out in case I bump into him again." Keitaro replied, nursing his slightly bruised ego.

            Excel smiled. "Don't worry, K-kun. I just bought some stainless steel knives from that booth over there. Let's go to the cafeteria and eat Menchi together!"

            "No, I don't think I'm into…er…dog food, thank you."

            "Was that a pun?" Excel asked, looking rather puzzled.

            "Err…not really…er…say, what's in that brown box you're holding?"

            She looked down at the large box in her hands. "Actually I'm not very sure. I saw it in a pile of free gifts from that booth across the fence, so I thought I'd just grab one before they are all gone."

            Keitaro looked in the direction Excel was pointing. "A…..Excel, that's outside our school compound. I think that's the the military equipment disposal area."

            "It's not a Science Exhibit?"

            "No."

            "But…but…it seemed so nice, and it even has this cute ticking noise coming from inside!"

            "…ticking noise? Don't tell me…"

            Excel opened the cover. "See? Flashing lights! And look here – there's a little thingy with numbers on it! Er…I think that's a 7, but I can't really count since I skipped most of my classes in Mathematics since I thought I could get more sleep if I slept at home instead of in the classroom, eh, wait…the number has become a zero. That's funny."

-RESET-

Keitaro looked around. _That's weird, I thought it was getting rather hot just now..._

Just then, he realized that Excel had disappeared. Glancing around quickly, he could see no sign of her in the crowd. Temporarily focused on locating her, he did not notice the two cloaked figures who had followed him from a distance. One of them was over 7 feet tall and dwarfed the other by at least a foot or two. They both had hoods covering their faces, but the shorter one was carrying a large backpack.

The tall one spoke. "Master, are you sure that he is the one? He looks like an ordinary harem anime loser."

The shorter one replied with a calm yet deep voice. "I am sure. These tarot cards say so."

            "But master, you're holding a pack of UNO cards."

            The short one looked down. "Gee, you're right. Nevermind, these will do. Here – I'll show you. Help me shuffle them like this…and put them down like so…and…there we go! The prediction!"

            "It's a Draw Four, master," the tall one pointed out.

            "Golly, that's gotta mean something," the short one replied, deep in thought, "let's see the next one…wow, it's a yellow card! That confirms it. This low probability is a sure sign of our target!!"  
            The tall one sighed. "Master, there are 12 yellow cards in an UNO deck, which makes a 23% chance of getting a yellow. Aren't you being a bit er…optimistic?"

            "Faith, my young apprentice. Faith. Now watch as I make first contact with our mission objective. It is dangerous for us to meet him in a public place. I will make him meet us somewhere else with a secret message," the short one explained as he rummaged through his backpack.

Keitaro was puzzled. Excel was standing right in front of him but had suddenly vanished. As he was about to start looking for her, a folded paper plane hit him in the right eye. Writhing in agony, he collapsed to the ground.

"Master, you missed," the tall one sighed, rubbing his temples.

"Whoops," the short one exclaimed, "but nevermind…watch as he reads the secret message."

"…warehouse clearance sale…big savings up to 70%...hurry, hurry, hurry…" Keitaro mumbled under his breath as he read the unfolded paper plane. "Must be some kid playing around."

Throwing it into the nearest bin, he started walking to the cafeteria in search of Excel.

"Master, I don't think he understood the secret message."

The short one rummaged through his backpack again. "That's strange…I was absolutely sure that…oh, here it is. I sent the wrong message. That was a flyer from the departmental store we passed on the way here."

"Oh, _really?" the tall one remarked, feigning surprise._

"Here we go. This is the right one. Now, my young apprentice – show me again how you folded the paper plane!"

_God must be telling me to get glasses,_ Keitaro thought to himself as he lay on the ground writhing in agony from the pain in his _left eye._

"I am in awe of your…er…accuracy, master. You couldn't have blinded someone any more than that," the tall one commented.

The short one smirked. "You have much to learn, my young apprentice."

            Keitaro was about to crumple the second paper plane when he caught notice of some text in the middle. He unfolded it and began to read the cut and pasted phrases from a newpaper :

_"Dear Sir,_

_We know that you have been having questions about weird things that have been happening to you. You feel as if someone is scripting your actions. You feel like a brand new woman after only 21 days using this miracle wonder cream that you are being used. You see, Mr. Bakayarou, the answers all lie in The Fanfic._

_Come meet us in the girl's dorm  girl's locker room  girl's toilet  oh all right, you fussy apprentice Film & Theater Club room if you want to find the answers. If you don't know how to get there follow the white dog._

_Well, actually we don't have a white dog due to budget cuts (darn administration), but just imagine there's one mysteriously leading you there._

_Your cooperation is greatly appreciated _

_Thank you for your support_

_Prompt action will be welcome_

_Yours truly_

_Yours sincerely,_

_Ayumi Hamasaki  Utada Hikaru  Hirai Ken."_

*************

            The door to the room squeaked loudly as Keitaro pushed it open. The room was pitch dark, empty and filled with a musky smell that only empty musky Film & Theater Club rooms could have. 

            "…hello? Anyone there?" he called out into the darkness.

            No reply.

            "…hello?...I'm here about the letter."

            A cellphone started ringing from one corner of the room. Suddenly a voice rang out in the darkness. "Master, will you please turn that off? I'm trying to make an entrance here! *ahem*"

            The Excel Saga ringtone stopped abruptly.

            The voice spoke again. "We have been expecting you, Mr. Bakayaro."

            _Nothing._

            "…we have been **expecting** you, Mr. Bakayaro."

            _Still nothing._

            "…**we have been expecting you, Mr. Bakayaro and this is your cue to turn on the lights, *_master*."_**

            "Oh, right. Darn, I forgot again…"

            _Click._

            The old flourescent lights flickered on to reveal the two cloaked figures standing in the corner of the room. Well, not really standing there actually. The shorter one was hastily pressing buttons on his cellphone and the tall one had his head in his hands, rubbing his temples while sighing heavily.

            Keitaro stammered, "I-I-I'm here about the message."

            The tall one stepped forward. "Ah, good. First, let me introduce myself. I am Sega, and this is my master, Commodore. We have been sent on a mission. A mission to locate The One. The person who we believe can save us from the evil menace that looms before us."

            "What does this have to do with my questions about the meaning of life?" Keitaro replied.

            The short one suddenly spoke. "Patience, patience. All great men have patience – Triple H, The Rock, Kurt Angle, Steve Austin, Goldberg."

            "Those are pro-wrestlers, master." Sega mumbled.

            "Nevermind that," Commodore replied as he slowly rose to his full 4'9" height and stared down up at Keitaro, "for our purpose is but one. Mr. Bakayarou, do you believe in fate?"

            "Fate?....no." Keitaro replied.

            "And why not?"

            "Because I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my life."

            Commodore nodded. "I know exactly what you mean. Let me tell you why you are here. You have these questions about how your life is turning out. How weird things keep happening to you. How End of Evangelion could have turned out so badly when compared to the TV series. How life itself works. And it is these things that have brought you to us."

            "…yes, Eva certainly ended weirdly, didn't it?"

            "So you know what I am talking about, Mr. Bakayarou."

            "…The Fanfic?"

            Commodore nodded again. "Do you want to know what it is, Mr. Bakayarou?"

Keitaro nodded slowly.

            Commodore got up and paced across the room. "The Fanfic is everywhere. It is all around us. You see, the world you live in is not a real one. It is a fan fiction, created by this entity known only as Eclipse. You and I are all characters in this fan fiction and we are puppets to be controlled by this entity for the sake of humour and entertainment."

            Keitaro was stunned.

            "Yes, you should be surprised. Your weird thoughts, your questions about your existence. They were not simply figments of your imagination, but they were foreshadowing the truth about your life."

            "It is all scripted," Sega added. "When you walk to school. When you meet Excel. When you go to the mall, or to the anime rental store – it is all made up. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes, to blind you from the truth."

"The truth?"

"Yes, the truth. That you are a slave to this fan fiction. Your misery is the tool of this sadistic form of entertainment common to harem anime lead male characters."

Sega stepped forward. "In my hands there are two DVDs. The white one contains MD Geist : The Director's Cut. If you watch it, you will forget that this conversation ever happened. In fact, you will completely lose all sanity but that's a side effect not listed on the DVD box."

"However, there is the red DVD. If you take it and watch it, then everything will be revealed to you. You may not like what you see, but the choice is entirely yours."

Keitaro stared at the two DVDs for a very long time. His eyes passed over the MD Geist DVD a lot more. _This could be my chance to end it all – my miserable life, my existance. I could forget everything ever happened just with this DVD. But yet, I am curious about this whole thing…I want to know the answers. I want to have control over my life. Argh…the choice is too difficult…._

Sega turned to his master and whispered, "Master, maybe we should have given him the choice of the Battle Can-Can DVD instead of MD Geist. The cover is less attractive, I would say."

"Quiet, my young apprentice. For the fate of this fan fiction lies in the hands of this young adolescent." Commodore replied.

"But master, aren't we adolescents too? Most anime heroes have to be bishoujo or bishounen adolescents, so this fan fiction isn't any different."

"True, true." Commodore replied.

Keitaro faced them with a determined look.

"I have made my decision," Keitaro announced, as he reached for the MD Geist DVD.

_To be continued…_


	2. Holey Cow!

Memories of Excel – Chapter 2

_We now return you to your regularly scheduled Excel Saga fanfic…_

            Keitaro placed his hand on the MD Geist DVD. "I-I-I can't continue living in this miserable life. I must end it all."

            Sega grabbed his arm. "What do you mean you don't want to find out? What kind of hero are you? You're supposed to be the One of the prophecy! Even the UNO cards said so!"

            "So you *do* believe me!" Commodore exclaimed.

            "Oh, shut up," Sega replied. "Mr. Bakayarou! How can you be like this?"

            Keitaro slumped into a chair. "I-I-I can't do it. Hey, even Evangelion could be successful with a wimp as the lead character."

            Commodore placed his cellphone on the table. "So, Mr. Bakayarou. You will sacrifice your objective of getting Excel to confess to you under the tree? You do not want to meet her again?

            "…I-I-I don't know…"

            Commodore slid the phone towards Keitaro. "Call her."

            "What?"

            "Call her."

            Keitaro slowly pressed the number for Excel's cellphone. It started ringing.

            _Ring._

_            Ring._

_            Ring._

_            Click._

            "Waaa! A call on my cellphone! I'm in a big situation now…hello, who is it?" 

            Keitaro eyes lit up slightly. "Excel, it's me."

            "I'm kinda busy now, K-kun. Wait a sec…..(slashing of knives in the background)…come back here, Menchi!...(yelping of dog)…(more slashing)…hrmph! He got away again…I'm so hungry…"

            Yes, Commodore was right. How could he forget Excel?

            (slash)

            That sweet voice…

            (chop)

            That innocent look…

            (more yelping)

            "I'll take it. I want to know the secret behind the Fanfic." Keitaro said as he placed the cellphone back on the table. His hand reached for the red DVD and he slowly opened it. 

            Keitaro showed no emotion on his face, but as the box opened his eye flinched slightly.

            Commodore turned to his apprentice with a triumphant look on his face. "Look, my young apprentice! Once again I have succeeded!"

            "Yes, master! That was an excellent move. No wonder the Council chose you for this mission." Sega replied enthusiastically.

            Commodore nodded.

            "There's no DVD inside."

            "What?"

            Keitaro shook the empty box. "There's no DVD inside."

            Commodore let out a shout. "Ah! I forgot to put it in the box…"

            Sega mumbled something about taking back his words as Commodore started rummaging through his backpack.

            "Ah, here it is!...er…no, that's American Pie…here it…no, that's the VCD version…aha!"

            Commodore handed the DVD to Keitaro. "You can use the DVD player over there," he said, gesturing to the equipment in the corner of the club room."  
  


            The television screen flickered to life as the DVD started. The blurred image of Commodore appeared onscreen.

            _"Mr. Suzuki, we are glad you have made this choice to find out the truth."_

            "Suzuki?" asked Keitaro, slightly surprised.

            "We can't keep recording new DVDs for each person we meet," Commodore replied, nonchalantly.

            _"You see, Mr. Suzuki – the world around us is actually a fan fiction created for the sadistic entertainment of Excel Saga fans. You, Mr. Suzuki, are the main character in this fan fiction."_

A shadowy image of a bespectacled figure hunched over a keyboard appeared.

            _"This is Eclipse. He is the one who created this fan fiction. He is The Writer. He alone has control over you, your actions and your life."_

_            "But not for long. You see, we are agents of the Fanfic Oppression Opposition League. Also known as Sentinels. Our ultimate mission is to eliminate the writer of this fan fiction and thus free us from being bound to a script, or "fate" as you may call it."_

_            "A prophecy from long ago stated that there will be one man who will have the capability to go against the Fanfic and release us from this oppression. That person is **you, Mr. Suzuki. The Magic : The Gathering cards will not predict wrongly."**_

The DVD stopped abruptly.

            Sega was holding the remote, looking rather embarrassed. "I don't think we need to keep watching that, Mr. Suzu..I mean, Mr. Bakayarou."

            He slid a photo across the table to Keitarou. It was a picture of Ilpalazzo.

            Keitaro picked the photo up. "Hey, I know him. He's the president of the School Domination club. Rather cocky fellow, I would say."

            Commodore nodded. "He is a minion of Eclipse. He serves the Fanfic and his sole purpose is eliminating everything that can pose a threat to the continuing plot of this fan fiction. You must be wary of him."

            Keitaro nodded attentively. "There's this question…how do you FOOLS exist in the Fanfic since you are not controlled by the Writer?"

            Sega stood up angrily. "You dare call us fools?"

            "Sit down, my young apprentice," Commodore ordered as he placed a hand on Sega's arm, "for he is right in calling us fools. We are of course, Fanfic Oppression Opposition League Sentinels or FOOLS for short."

            Sega snorted. "I kept telling you that the acronym was a bad idea. Now I'm all confused."

            Commodore continued, "Forgive my young apprentice. He is very impulsive. Now, back to your question – we, the FOOLS are continuity errors in the plot structure of this fan fiction. Elements of our characters contradict each other. As such, the Writer is unable to control us. Instead, we exist in the Temporal Omni Influencing Loophole Entity Transfer."

            "What?"

            "The TOILET."

            "Ah."

            "And so," Commodore went on, "we can enter the Fanfic by creating plot holes in the story, thus ripping apart the fabric of the fan fiction continuum and creating us here. We can also manipulate the story to suit us through the Dynamic Opposition Orifice Dependant Open-"

            "Enough, master," Sega said as he stood up.

            "But I haven't told him about the DOO DOO yet…"

            Sega turned to Keitaro. "I will cut the story short. Your success with Excel at the end of these three years of high school is the key to our fight against the Fanfic. You **must** win Excel's heart at all costs!"

            "But what shall I do?" Keitaro asked.

            "First of all, you must do all that normal couples do while dating. And also, you must find out as much as you can about the Fanfic and Ilpalazzo. But be warned, the Writer will try to foil you from dating Excel so be on your guard."

            Sega removed a small contraption from his cloak. He placed it in Keitaro's hands. "This is a communicator. Place it in your ear. It will allow us to communicate from the…*cough*…TOILET and you can call for help with it. It also allows us to locate you and manipulate the plot for you."

            Keitaro plugged it into his right ear.

            "And lastly, we will assign you a Sentinel codename. You will be now known as Neo-Geo, the…*cough*…"

            "Say it, my young apprentice. You can do it." Commodore encouraged.

            Sega swallowed hard. "Neo-Geo, the….*cough*…the FOOLS."

            Commodore jumped. "Yatta! You said it! Yippee!"

            "Neo-Geo. We must leave you now. But remember your objective!" Sega cautioned as he opened a small device from his cloak. It filled the room with a brilliant purple light and a small plothole opened in the center of the room.

            Commodore shook Keitaro's hand. "Good luck. And may the FART be with you. Hey, I haven't told you about the FA-"

            "**Master, we should go now," an extremely embarrassed Sega called out from inside the plothole.**

            "Coming, coming."

The plothole had barely sealed when Keitaro heard a scream coming from down the corridor. It was Excel.

Keitaro kicked open the doors of the club room. Down the hallway, he could see Excel screaming at the sight of Ilpalazzo walking slowly towards her.

"Stay away from her!" Keitaro shouted as he ran towards the two of them.

Ilpalazzo's head turned slightly towards him as he raised his hand slowly…


	3. Enter the Afro

Memories of Excel – Chapter 3

_Okaaaay, so there are a few things in the first 2 chapters that don't follow the continuity of the anime. Am I going to correct them? No, of course not. The whole fanfic is a continuity error, so sit back and relax!_

_Okay, back to the story…_

*********************************************

_April 17, 19xx __8.27pm___

_…and so it turned out that Excel was screaming because Ilpalazzo actually bothered to greet her as he walked by. I mean, what's there to squeal about when a guy such as *him* walks by? It's just a crush, a harmless little schoolgirl crush. It will pass._

_Well, I only found that out later today when Excel told me (in an **extremely long explanation of how cool and handsome Ilpalazzo-****sama is) earlier today. At that time as I was rushing to her, Ilpalazzo pulled this weird rope that was mysteriously hanging from the ceiling. Then this trapdoor suddenly opened under me and I fell in. I don't know how long it took for me to hit the bottom, but when I did I landed in a monkey cage in the local zoo. This must be the power of that stupid Fanfic that the two…er…darn I forgot their names…ah! Gameboy and Playstation…no, that's not it…no…er…**_

_Nevermind! If this Ilpal-bozo guy thinks I'm a monkey, I'll show him exactly what I think about that! In the end, *I* will be the one standing over him as he slips in monkey doo-doo! WATCH OUT!! Mwahahahahahaha!!!_

Current mood : aggravated

Current music : Yellow / Coldplay

*********************************************

….

*********************************************

_May 23, 19xx __11.03pm___

_ONE MONTH! ONE *&^#@*&^@#$(^ MONTH!_

_every single day of the past month i have ended up in the monkey cage! the stupid monkeys are beginning to recognize me! im tired of yelling at the zookeeper to let me out!_

_and this stupid stupid communicator doesn't seem like it's working, so I can't reach the two idiots! Where are they when I need them?_

_Anyway, I've now gathered the courage to ask Excel out on a date. Actually, it's not really a date – I asked her to join the Film & Theater Club with me, because they're starting a new Anime division and I want to spread the joy of Evangelion to the rest of the school!_

Current mood : pissed!!!!

Current music : Dame Dame / Love Hina / Kobayashi Yumiko

*********************************************

            "The Film & … Dater Club?" Excel asked slowly.

            "Yes – they're starting a new anime program and I thought that you might be interested. You know, we could, er, join together," Keitaro explained.

            Excel thought for a while. "Is Ilpalazzo-sama a member? Will I get to see him there? Ilpalazzo-samamanamanamana looks *so* cool with his cape! And he's so handsome! How can an innocent young schoolgirl like me resist such a great man! Oh, *hug* me, Ilpalazzo-samaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

            "Excel, stop that. People are staring." Keitaro pointed out.

            "Iya…really?" Excel mumbled as she looked around at the crowd that had gathered. "HELLOOOOO ALL!!!! My name is Excel, first name Excel last name Excel, currently a member of Class 1A, a beautiful bishoujo who likes dancing, eating, and Ilpalazzo-sama, the most hunkiest, the mostest coolest, extremestly wonderful, greatest leader of the School Domination Clu-"

            "Excel, you can't use superlatives like t-"

            "-and now I, Excel Excel am the founding president of the Ilpalazzo Eternal Minions Fan Club and I am going to open the membership to *all* the girls who want to join but the rule of membership is very simple – only the President gets Ilpalazzo-sama and everyone has to stay away from him, but that's not exactly a good idea because then people won't have an initiative to serve Ilpalazzo-sama unless I do something like stick posters of him all over the school and-UMMPPHHHH."

            Excel was temporarily silenced as Keitaro slapped his hand over her mouth, dragging her forcibly away from the mob of screaming schoolgirls fighting over the "LOVE ILPALAZZO" flyers that Excel has tossed in the air.

            After spending an hour explaining the benefits of joined the club to Excel, she finally agreed and followed him to the first meeting. They were not the only ones that were interested, as a large crowd people had gathered outside the club room, waiting for the meeting to start.

            Holding Excel's soft hands with his right hand and a roll of masking tape with his left, Keitaro led her through the crowd to the door.

            "Look Excel – we have to sign our names on this list if we want to join," Keitaro said, pointing at the large paper pasted on the door. He pulled out a pen from his pocket and wrote his name and class on the list. He then passed it to Excel and she signed the list.

            "Ur…Excel, **'Love Ilpalazzo-sama Forever'** doesn't qualify as your name and class."

            Excel looked a bit resigned. "But I want the whole school to know of my love for Ilpalazzo-sama!"

            Keitaro bit his lip. "Excel, we're supposed to sign up by writing *our* names."

            "But but but but but but but but but but but it's all for the sake of Ilpalazzo-sama!"

            "Exxxxccccceeeeeeelllllllll…."

            There was a light tap on Keitaro's shoulder. He turned around to face a rather scrawny youth staring back at him. He had a dark complexion and obvious foreign features and he was pointing to the list. 

            "Do you have a pen?" he asked with a raspy voice.

            Keitaro handed it to him.

            "Say," Keitaro asked, "you don't look like you come from around here. What are you doing in this school?"

            The youth's face lit up. "I am Pedro. I am a foreigner who suddenly appeared in Japan. I am studying here because the sexy girl I like is studying here also."

            "And why are you signing up for this club?" Keitaro added.

            "Oh…I think that she is also here. That is why I am joining so I can get closer to her. I am so lucky that you have a pen, because there is only room for one more member on this list and no one else around here has a pen for me to sign it," Pedro replied.

            Keitaro smiled. "Well then, you can keep the pen if you want to."

            "Thank you!" Pedro gushed, shaking Keitaro's hand vigorously, "I will now sign the list."

            Pedro turned to sign the list as Keitaro and Excel entered the room.

            "That was a nice thing you did, giving him the pen," Excel said as they chose seats.

            "Oh, that was nothing. I think the pen was running out of ink."

            At that very moment, they heard a loud "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"

            Keitaro looked around. The seats had been arranged to face the front of the room where a large screen stood. There were senior members scurrying around getting things done while the new members sat in the chairs, waiting for the meeting to start. He turned to the guy sitting next to him.

            "What are we waiting for?" he asked.

            The guy turned to him. "Oh, I think we're waiting for the President to arrive. I don't know who he is, but he certainly sounds important."

            About 15 minutes later, the lights dimmed and a senior member stood up at the front of the room..

            "And now, fellow students – let us welcome the President of the Film & Theater Club!"

            The door swung open and a figure stepped into the darkness. As he walked to the front, it looked like something was wrong with his head.

            Excel suddenly stood up. "President-san! There looks like some weird furry brown animal is eating your head! But nevermind, I, Excel Excel will attack this creature for the sake of Ilpalazzo-sama although he is not here at the moment! I am now going to attack the brown animal on your head like I attack Menchi!"

            With that, she dived onto the President and began ripping at the brown furry animal on his head with a primal fury that only a hungry lion in heat lost in a Viagra factory could have. Someone ran to the light switch and turned on the lights, revealing a rather surprised Excel seated on the President and holding chunks of his hair in her hands.

            "Err…the brown animal has disappeared," she said, rather perplexed.

            The President got up and dusted his red coat with an annoyed look. "It's an afro hairstyle, girl. Get used to it."

            Straightening his yellow tie, he walked in front of the screen.

            "*Now* that we are over with that Animal Planet special presentation," he said as he glared at Excel, "I would like to introduce myself."

            He jumped onto a high chair which a senior member had placed at his side. "I'm Nabeshin."

            Suddenly, a man got up from the crowd, holding a pistol in his hand.

            "Nabeshin! Finally I have found you after all these years! Say your prayers and  prepare to die!" he yelled.

            Nabeshin's eyes showed no emotion. "So, you return to take Tetsuko away from me. You will NEVER have her!" he shouted as he pulled out two AK-47s from behind him and opened fire at the man, blowing him out of the wall and far into the sky. Dropping the guns, he ran to the vice-president and they embraced, shedding tears.

            "Tetsuko…I'm so glad to have you with me," he cried.

            "Me too, Nabeshin…I will always be with you," Tetsuko cried back.

            A girl stepped out it front. "Sorry about that, everyone. This is something that happens all the time to our President and Vice-President so please put away your sweatdrops and remain calm. We will now return to our regular meeting."

            Excel stood there, confused as ever. She slowly returned to her seat as Nabeshin stepped back in front, wiping his tears away with a Kleenex.

            "Like I said, I am Nabeshin. President of the Film & Theater Society and aspiring director. Under my leadership, you all will become great members that will make this storyline proud!"

            The members cheered with support as Nabeshin sat down at a nearby table and proceeded to sign autographs.

            After the meeting ended, Keitaro and Excel went to meet Nabeshin.

            "Ur…Nabeshin-sempai, Excel here has something to say," he said, knudging Excel hard.

            She stepped forward. "Err…Nabeshin-san, I would like to, er, apologize for attacking your…hair because, um, I thought it was a big animal like Menchi because it had all the brown fur and was wiggling around as you walked and so I thought that if I were to attack it and eat it then you will be safe and I, the bishoujo Excel Excel will then be more famous so that Ilpalazzo-sama would recognize me and our love that is written in the destiny of this universe can finally come true even though I think that I wi-"

            "I think she means to apologize," Keitaro interrupted as Excel continued to ramble on about Ilpalazzo-sama's sparkling hair and deep voice and how fate cannot keep them apart.

            Nabeshin nodded. "It's okay. I have been dabbling in directing films for some time now, and I had this idea of creating a weird type of anime, kind of like an experiment. The inspiration for the anime had eluded me for months now, until today, when the idea hit me and started tearing at my afro."

            "You don't mean," Keitaro said, glancing nervously at Excel who was now handing out posters of Ilpalazzo to the crowd that had gathered around her.

            Nabeshin nodded again, eyes closed. "Yes, such a great idea for an anime."

            "I don't think this is a good idea, Nabeshin-sempai. She's just too weird."

            Nabeshin looked up at Keitaro.

            "Who said anything about that girl? I'm talking about my afro."

            "Your…afro?"

            "Yes. It will be the main character of the anime and will have multiple encounters with a barber's scissors but will be resurrected each time by the Great Wigmaker of the Universe! An idea only a genius like me could think of!"

            Keitaro sighed and walked away, leaving Nabeshin facing a mirror and making preliminary character sketches based on his afro.

*********************************************

_July 3rd, 19xx __9.17pm___

_When I woke up today I found this blue paper on my study desk. It said something like "Warehouse Clearance Sale! Everything must go! Hurry hurry hurry!". I suppose that it's supposed to be a message from what's his name Computerdoor or something, but he probably messed it up and sent me this flyer instead. I guess I'll have to wait around. This 'communicator' that they gave me doesn't work at all – it just hums and vibrates when I switch it on._

_Oh, and I'm beginning to get this strange feeling about Excel's crush on Ilpalazzo. It seems to be getting WAY out of hand, especially since she has forced me to join the School Domination Club in exchange for the membership in Nabeshin's club. Anyway, a promise is a promise…_

Current mood : perplexed

Current music : my ceiling fan

*********************************************

            Excel skipped happily along the school corridor, singing "Love Ilpalazzo-sama forever", a song that she written and had been repeating over and over for the past month. Keitaro followed nervously behind her.

            "Excel, hurry up! We're going to be late for the club meeting!"

            She frolicked on, oblivious to Keitaro's urging.

            Eventually, they reached the heavily fortified door of the School Domination Club. It was made of reinforced steel and had this big message "Members only" etched onto its surface with what could only have been a blade of some sort. Excel pushed the door open and they walked in nervously.

            The room was dark, just like in any tense moment in a cheap horror movie.

            "Walk to the middle of the room," ordered a voice.

            Excel leapt happily to the middle. Keitaro hesistated for while, but then seeing that the club room door had closed by itself, he had no other choice.

            "Stand within the squares that are on the floor, please," the voice continued.

            Keitaro looked down. There were some red lines painted on the floor to form a crude square. For a moment, he thought he could see hinges protruding from the floor, but it was too dark to make out anything.

            A spotlight suddenly shone on the two of them. Squinting from the glare of the light, Keitaro could barely make out a huge figure seated on a chair in front of them. His shoulders were large and he was holding something shaped like an electric guitar.

            Keitaro slowly gathered the courage to speak. "I-I-Is this the School Domination Club?"

            The figure did not move, but a voice coming from behind him answered. "Yes. I assume that you are intending to join our club, Mr. Bakayarou."

            "How did you know my name?"

            "SILENCE! You have not shown your respect for our President yet. Now, raise your right hand in front of you and shout 'Hail Ilpalazzo!'"

            Keitaro's face hardened. "Hail that bozo? You call this a stupid club? All we do is come in here, face a spotlight then you ask us to-"

            "-Hail Ilpalazzo!!!!" Excel yelled next to him. "My name is Excel, first name Excel last name Excel, the bishoujo minion of Ilpalazzo-sama and also his greatest admirer because my young innocent heart has been captured by the dashing superiority of Ilpalazzo-sama and his plan of school domination, which I think is the mostest noblest incrediblest wonderfullest goal that any great leader should have which is why I, Excel will now carry out this simple task for the sake of Ilpalazzo-sama  in the vain hope that he will kiss my-"

            "-**as I was saying," Keitaro continued, "I will **not** do a stupid thing like that. In fact, I would rather have a fork stuck up my-"**

            "-**but with the combined power of the young and beautiful Excel and the great Ilpalazzo-sama," Excel added, "the whole school will bow before Ilpalazzo's incredible-"**

            "SILENCE!" the voice shouted.

            The figure rose from his seat. "Cue the lights."

            The room lights lit up, flooding the room with…er…light. Ilpalazzo stood in front, dressed in his usual cape and shoulder pads. To his left, Keitaro noticed Excel faint with adoration.

            Ilpalazzo turned to Keitaro. "Mr. Bakayarou, we meet again."

            Keitaro spat on the floor.

            "You impudent fool! How dare you do that in the presence of Ilpalazzo-sama!" shouted the voice from behind him. He turned around to see a very beautiful girl dressed in body-hugging leather but wearing a belt loading with Pocky biscuit sticks.

            "Oh, I forgot to introduce my assistant," Ilpalazzo added, "Mr. Bakayarou, meet Wat Huu. She is a Chinese girl trained as a ninja. She has kindly volunteered to be my assistant and my bodyguard because she has patience and composure that can be rivaled by none."

            Wat bowed. "All for the sake of Ilpalazzo-sama."

            By this time, Excel had gotten up and was staring jealously at Wat. "You, you, you woman! Why are you working for Ilpalazzo-sama?"

            Wat glared at her. "I was here first! You are nothing but a bug to Ilpalazzo-sama!"

            "Ilpalazzo…**sama?" Excel shouted, "you ****dare call him Ilpalazzo sama? You, you, what's your name, you!"**

            "Wat Huu."

            Excel stopped for a moment. "What? Who?"

            "Yes."

            "So, your name is Yes!" Excel yelled, "Watch as we prove who is the greatest minion of Ilpalazzo-sama!"

            Wat fumed. "My name is not yes!"

            "Then what is your name?!!" Excel yelled back.

            "Yes!"

            Excel glared back at her. "Don't try to confuse me, you evil woman! Tell me your name so that I may exact revenge for Ilpalazzo-sama!"

            "My name is Wat!" she shouted, fists shaking with anger.

            "Why are you asking me?" Excel shot back.

            "That *is* my name!"

            "So your name is That!"

            Amidst the chaos, Ilpalazzo was strumming his guitar lightly.

            "This is an overused, extremely boring mix-up that has been used countless times in fanfictions, shows and similar useless entertainment. I am beginning to question the intelligence of the writer of this stupid fanfiction that has the gall to put me in it."

            He put the guitar down and stood up as a rope lowered from the ceiling.

            "Excel. Wat."

            They both turned to him in unison.

            "Test gravity for me," he said as he nonchalantly pulled the rope.

            Ilpalazzo faced Keitaro again. "This is how I handle disruptions to my organization."

            Keitaro was looking down the trapdoors which Excel and Wat had fallen through. Suddenly remembering his frequent visits to the monkey cage, he stood up and saluted.

            "Hail Ilpalazzo!"

            Ilpalazzo nodded. "That's better."

            A large screen lowered from the ceiling. Some overhead maps of the school premises appeared, followed by random pictures of students fighting at cafeteria queues, sleeping in class, throwing paper wrappers on the floor and surfing anime message boards with the school computers.

            "This school is corrupt! Students have degraded to this level, carrying out such despicable acts in broad daylight!" Ilpalazzo spoke, with the charisma of a great public speaker. "These youth are the future of society! We cannot let them become such uncivilized creatures. That is why we, the School Domination Club will seek to eradicate all corrupt elements of this society and bring-"

            "-but those are just minor offenses. All students do stuff like that," Keitaro interjected.

            The rope lowered again.

            "You interrupted me."

            Keitaro's knees started shaking vigorously. "I-I-I thought that you were o-o-overdoing it, Ilpalazzo-er..sama."

            Ilpalazzo's fingers closed around the end of the rope. "Give me one reason why I should not pull this rope."

            "Ilpalazzo-sama! Er…you should not pull that rope because, er, I am your, er, loyal servant," Keitaro spat out, desperately following Excel's dialogue, "and I…er…will follow you to the ends of the Earth as your minion that admires your dashing handsomeness and my young innocent heart will not-"

            "Alright," Ilpalazzo interrupted. "Mr. Bakayarou."

            "Yes!"

            "There are 3 things I want you to do for me."

            "Yes!"

            Ilpalazzo grunted. "One. Do not interrupt me again."

            "Yes!"

            "Two. If you want to spout dialogue like that, go find a yaoi fanfic and stay there."

            "Yes!"

            "Three."

            "Yes?" Keitaro asked, relieved that he was still standing on solid ground.

            Ilpalazzo's fingers tightened. "The monkey cage needs cleaning. Go help out your species."

            _Pull._


End file.
